


Freebird

by skylinehorizon



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Established Relationship, Hospitals, Illnesses, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2014-06-14
Packaged: 2018-02-04 15:55:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1784764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skylinehorizon/pseuds/skylinehorizon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything is temporary. Even (especially) suffering.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Freebird

"We're free," Dean murmurs, hand snaking around the back of Cas' waist, pulling him tight against Dean's chest. "Got all the time in the world, now, babe."

Cas coughs in the cool air and twists around in Dean's grip, so he's looking up at Dean's cocky smile and his vibrant green eyes. Still vibrant, still bright, after everything.

"I'm not sure if  _free_ is the right word." 

Dean's smile doesn't falter but something in his eyes shifts and he brings the hand that isn't holding his crutch to rest on the back of Cas' neck. Cas takes a deep breath, as deep as he can, and sinks into the warmth. Dean's always warm, and Cas is always too cold. 

"Sure we are, Cas," he says softly. "There isn't anyone up here telling us what to do. We've got nothing holding us back."

Cas doesn't have the heart to tell him all the things that are holding them back. He doesn't need to. Dean knows. 

But still, there's a part of Cas that won't stop hoping. There's a part of him that always longs to be free, like Dean believes they can be. 

"Where do you want to go?" Dean murmurs, pressing a kiss to Cas' forehead. Against his skin, he says, "Choose a place and we'll go there." 

"Here's good," Cas says. Dean gives him an incredulous look, looks down at his hospital gown and his blue slippers and then smiles, shaking his head. 

"Here?" Dean asks.

"With you," Cas says, and Dean grins the sunniest smile. 

It makes Cas' heart ache and soar all at once. 

"Do you think we're gonna get in trouble?" 

Dean leans forward and kisses him slowly before he replies. "Trouble? What, for coming  _here?"_

Cas looks out over at the sky, at the horizon where blue meets pink meets gold and turns back to Dean with a grin. "I'm not sure escaping to the roof of the hospital really counts as having escaped." 

"It's a start," Dean says. "Plus, I like seeing you in the sunshine."

"Mm," Cas agrees, pressing a kiss to the bridge of Dean's nose. "I like seeing your freckles in the daylight."

"Shush," Dean says. Cas meets him for a kiss and Dean pulls him closer, grinning against his mouth.  

Cas flinches and sucks in a breath, trying to hide the pain that shoots through him at the movement, but Dean pulls back, assessing him with sharp eyes. He gently runs his fingers through Cas' hair, his expression regretful. "Come on," he says, expression softening again. "Let's go back. I want to challenge you to a game of rummy before dinner." 

"You mean you want to  _lose_ to me in a game of rummy before dinner."

"You want to lose to me, Cas? I mean, that's a funny thing to wish for, but yeah, that'll probably happen." 

"Come on, idiot," Cas says, smiling. They walk back together slowly, and Cas thinks the scolding from the nurses was totally worth having seen Dean smile like that in the golden light of the sunset. 

**

Cas has been in unrelenting pain for the entire day. It's afternoon by the time Dean is wheeled into his room by a nurse, looking tired and worn out, but smiling. He comes up to the side of Cas' bed and takes his hand, and Cas turns to him but can't smile back, can't do anything but grimace as another sharp wave hits him. 

Dean's smile slips off his face and he brings Cas' hand to his mouth, kissing the back of it without saying anything. They sit in silence for a while, Dean holding Cas' hand and Cas trying to breathe through the pain, trying to focus on the place where Dean's thumb is running back and forth over his skin. 

"My body is a cage," Cas says finally, his voice little more than a rasp. 

Dean looks like he more than understands that, and agrees with the sentiment, but he shakes his head anyway. In a weak protest, he says, "Don't speak like that, it's--"

"No. Listen to me, Dean. I hate it. I hate being trapped and always hurting and being stuck in this stupid room and not being outside, and never being able to forget that I'm--"

Dean leans forward and shuts him up with a kiss. He can't hold the position for long, leaning as far forward as he can in the wheelchair, but makes it last longer than Cas expects, and pulls back breathless. 

"There," Dean says, with his patented cheeky grin. 

"You -- what?" The triumphant look on Dean's face is enough for Cas' agitation and anger to shift into something else entirely. 

"See? Your body isn't so bad, after all. Sure it's being a little shitty to you, but if you didn't have a body I wouldn't be able to do  _that_ would I?" 

"Come here," Cas says, reaching out to pull Dean forward, despite the fresh wave of pain that the movement causes. Dean moves forward willingly and kisses him again.

When he pulls back, Cas can't help the grimace that crosses his face and Dean's face falls, eyes alight with worry. 

"I'm sorry, I-- It hurts. It  _hurts._ "

"Ssh, it's okay," Dean says, squeezing his hand. "I'm not leaving. I can get the nurse to give you some more meds?"

"No," Cas says, adamant. "I want to stay awake."

"Either way, I'm going to be right here, baby," Dean says, already leaning forward for the call button on the wall. "Whether you're asleep or awake I'm going to stay sitting here."

"Okay," Cas says, squeezing his eyes shut. "Please."

Dean presses the button and stays sitting beside him while the nurse adjusts Cas' pain control, and Dean watches as his face smooths out and he relaxes, lips parting slightly beneath his oxygen mask. He slips into unconsciousness and the last thing he feels is Dean's hand squeezing around his. 

**

It's early December when Cas realises he hasn't seen Dean without his beanie hat in  _weeks._ He's constantly wearing it, and although he's said before it's for the cold, Cas knows that's not the case. 

They're kissing when Cas slips off Dean's beanie and Dean pulls back, expression pained like he's been stung. "Cas, you don't--"

"Shut up. I know what you're going to say. You're beautiful." 

Dean's hair is not much more than tufts now, and Cas knows he feels self-conscious about it, but he's still the most beautiful man in the world to him. 

"I'm  _bald._ I look like a baby bird who hasn't got its feathers yet." 

"Yeah, well I happen to like baby birds."

Dean gives him a disbelieving look and Cas laughs.

"Dean. I can't even sit up by myself now, and I have bags under my eyes that are the size of Texas. I can't even  _breathe_ well enough by myself, and although I haven't looked in the mirror lately I know I look like a ghost. And you? You look  _beautiful._ Devastatingly handsome. Charming. Dazzling. Gorgeous. "

There's a faint blush on Dean's cheeks by the time Cas has finished speaking, and Cas takes great joy in the way Dean sputters a little, mouth opening and closing again. "No, Cas," he manages, finally, shaking his head. "Seriously, you look great. I mean, you're a little pale, but--"

"Shut up, Dean," Cas says, smiling. "Shut up and lean over here and kiss me again."  

Dean does, and the beanie hat is soon forgotten, and Dean finds he doesn't really want to wear it so much anymore. 

**

It's the middle of the night on a Monday. He knows because Dean always tells him the date and the time when he wakes up so he doesn't have to feel so disorientated. Cas isn't sure how long Dean has been sitting beside him, and he keeps slipping in and out of consciousness, and Dean is always there again when he comes back. 

He's more lucid than he's been in hours, and he knows that it's nearly time.  _  
_

Dean knows, too.

"You can be free," Dean says, bottom lip quivering. "It's okay now, Cas. It's okay." 

Cas wants to tell him that he doesn't want to be free if that means leaving. He doesn't want to be free if that means Dean won't be with him, and he'd endure all the pain in the world to stay. 

"What's keeping you here, birdy?" Dean chokes out, fingers curling into Cas' hair. 

With all the effort he can muster, he manages to say, "You."

And it's enough to get Dean's always too-cool, façade to break. He drops his head against Cas' shoulder and clings to the front of his hospital gown, fingers trembling in the material while he cries. Cas shuts his eyes and focuses on the areas where Dean's pressed up against him, trying to find comfort in his warmth even if he can't take comfort in anything else. 

"Listen to me," Dean says, after a minute, lifting his head. His eyes are red and he keeps swallowing, as if the words he wants to say aren't the right ones, as if anything he could say right now could change a thing. "The only thing keeping you trapped right now on this stupid fucking plane of existence is your body. Because it's mortal and it's only temporary. Soon you're going to be free of it. You understand that, right?" 

Of course he does. Of course both of them do. It's the mantra that has gotten him through some of the hardest nights -  _suffering is temporary._ _Everything is temporary._ Cas wants to nod but the most he can manage is staring at Dean until he gets the message that he understands, and Dean's hand moves down to Cas' where it rests on his stomach. He slips their fingers together and leans forward, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

When he pulls back he smiles. He seems calmer, almost as if he's somehow coming to terms with what's about to happen. Cas knows it won't be long now, and the sadness in Dean's eyes tells him that Dean knows that too. "All this pain you're feeling is trapped in your body, and once you float away you're going to leave the pain behind and it's going to stay here right where it is and you're going to be  _free."_

Cas has so much he wants to say. There is so much left to say to Dean Winchester, and there are no words that could ever express the things he wants Dean to know. He shuts his eyes again and manages to say, " _You_."

You. It's enough. It sums up everything he would ever be able to say, anyway. 

"It's okay, Cas," Dean says. "You know I'm going to be free sooner or later, too."

That's not what Cas wants to hear, but everything is temporary and Cas knows Dean has been waiting for his own freedom for as long as Cas has been dreading his.

And now it's here.

Except, there are some things that he wishes weren't temporary. He squeezes Dean's hand, and Dean squeezes back, and he thinks he gets the message across okay.

Dean kisses him slowly, tenderly, sweetly, he kisses him for what's probably the last time.

"I love you, Cas," he says, with watery eyes and a watery smile.

Cas squeezes his hand again and Dean nods, his smile growing wider. Cas knows Dean understands when he says, "Yeah, I love you, too."

Cas knows he is loved, and he holds onto that thought as he slips away.

He closes his eyes and he lets himself break free.


End file.
